WELCOME WEEK 2000 / END OF SUMMER WRAP-UP -- September 1 , 2000

Office of Public 
Safety now online
Read your rights

Ever wondered exactly what campus security does all day (besides driving around in those cute little carts)? Well rejoice, because the Office of Public Safety is now online (on our college’s official web site) with a special area of it's own! 

Curious students will discover everything they’ve always wanted to know about our humble avengers, including: a listing of personnel, general duties and guidelines, and instructions on identifying the twelve elusive emergency poles around campus. According to the web page, these units are “easily identified by the blue light and the word EMERGENCY displayed on the white pole.”

Perhaps the most redeeming feature of this enchanting online euphoria-fest is the extensive guide, “A Student’s Right To Know & Campus Security”. Within this seven-point plan students will discover that they have the following rights, among others:

1. The right to a security officer escort from vehicles to buildings or buildings to buildings, should you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. 

2. The right to appropriately manicured trees and shrubbery around buildings and on campus grounds.

3. The right to using any of the 12 emergency Code Blue phone units strategically placed around the campus to report emergencies.

4. The right (provided by Federal law) to be informed during the most recent calendar year and during the two preceding calendar years of the reported number of on-campus occurrences of the following criminal offenses: murder; sex offenses, forcible or non-forcible; robbery; aggravated assault; burglary; and motor vehicle theft.

According to statistics on this page, security has kept the campus relatively crime free (notwithstanding fifty-nine occurrences of burglary and nine occurrences of motor vehicle burglary within the last three years). We here at the Whittington Weekly would like to do our part and report the following violations of the “Security and Safety Tips” observed at Whittington Hall during the last year:

Safety Tip #3: Never prop doors or entrances to residence halls.
Violation: This became a regular ritual during the Spring semester with Whittington entrances being held open by various objects including: guitar cases, safe deposit boxes, bicycles, cafeteria cups, cigarette disposals, orange traffic cones, and even Whittington residents themselves. Frequently, the allotted “propping” time would expire and residents on every floor would be treated to a blaring siren triggered by one of the ajar doors. (See An Alarming Problem, Issue 2)

Safety Tip #4: Never allow strangers to enter residence halls
Violation: Due to the aforementioned “propping” of doors, there have been several instances where restless vagabonds have wandered into Whittington from Highway 80 in search of shelter and, after examining the facilities, turned with disgust and left – insulted. 

Safety Tip #6: Secure personal property such as cars, bicycles, motorcycles, jewelry, electronic equipment, etc.
Safety Tip #7: Walk in lighted areas, preferably with others at night.

Violation: The very presence of the Asia Minor parking lot violates both of the above safety “tips”. Parking over there is anything but “secure” and lighting is nonexistent. So when making late night Wendy’s runs, go in pairs. Your previous, on-campus parking space will be gone when you return and it helps to have a hand to hold when dodging traffic. 

Safety Tip #9: Respect the privacy and personal dignity of others.
Violation: There were several instances where freshmen boys were forced to leave personal dignity behind and take showers in a “community” atmosphere, because some nutbar prankster was fond of slashing the shower curtains into shreds. Those that remained were rendered asunder by overzealous “curtain-jerkers”. Thankfully, Tom Washburn repaired the problem with a role of duct tape. 
-- Grandmaster Sexay

The above article was intended for parody purposes only.
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