Office of Public
Safety now online
Read your rights
Ever wondered exactly what campus security
does all day (besides driving around in those cute little carts)? Well
rejoice, because the Office
of Public Safety is now online (on our college’s official web site)
with a special area of it's own!
Curious
students will discover everything they’ve always wanted to know about our
humble avengers, including: a listing of personnel, general duties and
guidelines, and instructions on identifying the twelve elusive emergency
poles around campus. According to the web page, these units are “easily
identified by the blue light and the word EMERGENCY displayed on the white
pole.”
Perhaps the most redeeming feature of this
enchanting online euphoria-fest is the extensive guide, “A
Student’s Right To Know & Campus Security”. Within this seven-point
plan students will discover that they have the following rights, among
others:
1. The right to a security officer escort
from vehicles to buildings or buildings to buildings, should you feel uncomfortable
or unsafe.
2. The right to appropriately manicured trees
and shrubbery around buildings and on campus grounds.
3. The right to using any of the 12 emergency
Code Blue phone units strategically placed around the campus to report
emergencies.
4. The right (provided by Federal law) to
be informed during the most recent calendar year and during the two preceding
calendar years of the reported number of on-campus occurrences of the following
criminal offenses: murder; sex offenses, forcible or non-forcible; robbery;
aggravated assault; burglary; and motor vehicle theft.
According to statistics on this page, security
has kept the campus relatively crime free (notwithstanding fifty-nine occurrences
of burglary and nine occurrences of motor vehicle burglary within the last
three years). We here at the Whittington Weekly would like
to do our part and report the following violations of the “Security and
Safety Tips” observed at Whittington Hall during the last year:
Safety Tip #3: Never prop doors
or entrances to residence halls.
Violation: This became a regular ritual
during the Spring semester with Whittington entrances being held open by
various objects including: guitar cases, safe deposit boxes, bicycles,
cafeteria cups, cigarette disposals, orange traffic cones, and even Whittington
residents themselves. Frequently, the allotted “propping” time would expire
and residents on every floor would be treated to a blaring siren triggered
by one of the ajar doors. (See An
Alarming Problem, Issue 2)
Safety Tip #4: Never allow strangers
to enter residence halls
Violation: Due to the aforementioned
“propping” of doors, there have been several instances where restless vagabonds
have wandered into Whittington from Highway 80 in search of shelter and,
after examining the facilities, turned with disgust and left – insulted.
Safety Tip #6: Secure personal property
such as cars, bicycles, motorcycles, jewelry, electronic equipment, etc.
Safety Tip #7: Walk in lighted areas,
preferably with others at night.
Violation: The very presence of the
Asia
Minor parking lot violates both of the above safety “tips”. Parking
over there is anything but “secure” and lighting is nonexistent. So when
making late night Wendy’s runs, go in pairs. Your previous, on-campus parking
space will be gone when you return and it helps to have a hand to hold
when dodging traffic.
Safety Tip #9: Respect the privacy
and personal dignity of others.
Violation: There were several instances
where freshmen boys were forced to leave personal dignity behind and take
showers in a “community” atmosphere, because some nutbar prankster was
fond of slashing the shower curtains into shreds. Those that remained were
rendered asunder by overzealous “curtain-jerkers”. Thankfully, Tom Washburn
repaired the problem with a role of duct tape.
-- Grandmaster
Sexay
The above
article was intended for parody purposes only.
Comments?
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