Volume 1, Issue 2 -- April 3, 2000

An Alarming Problem
Ajar door causes student insanity

3/14/2000: Around 2:00 in the afternoon, most residents of Whittington Castle were done with classes, and were relaxing in their dorm room. 
As it has many times before, the alarm on Whittington’s doors to the outside world began to sound.  The familiar sirens reverberated off the walls inside the dorm, notifying the inhabitants that someone left the door open too long.  It is common knowledge that to stop the alarm all that need be done is pull the open door to, and wait.  Normally after several seconds the alarm will stop and life goes on...but not today.

After a grueling five minutes, which seemed to last for an eternity, the alarm still screamed through the halls. Angry mobs began to form at the various entrances to the dorm. They hoped to find the open door. After every entrance had been completely examined, the culprit could not be found. In agony many students rushed out of Whittington and into the serene atmosphere outside. Others, not wishing to go outside, chose to drowned out the alarm by adding to the noise pollution. Students returned to their rooms and blared their CD of choice loud enough to tell the people next door to them, “I can’t hear the alarm anymore”.

Another five minutes passed, and there was no end in site. As a result of the unbearable racket, students began to blame one another for the alarm starting. Riots ensued. In the midst of the commotion, one student let out a barbaric yawp, tore off his clothing and ran with reckless abandon down the hall and out into the calm outside world. Not but a few moments later the alarm stopped. Those students involved in the riots stopped as well and quietly slinked back into their rooms.

Later in an interview, the student (who seemed to have a mental breakdown earlier) told Whitt Weekly his account of the story:  “As I sat in my room the siren reached deep within me calling up something I’ve never felt before… something almost animalistic. Then, I remember feeling very warm and taking off my shirt. Next thing I remember, someone was poking me with a stick and I woke up nude in a pool of warm Frosty somewhere down Highway 80.”

Upon questioning, Jonathan Metts, RA for the second floor, said “Oh, well! I wasn’t here, it didn’t bother me.”

It is this reporter’s belief that the alarm sounding was not just an accident. I believe that it was a cruel, sinister plot by members of the administration to test the breaking point of the freshmen guys. Why would they do this? I do not know. All I can say is be careful because Big Brother is watching you. -- Shaggy Phat

The above article was intended for parody purposes only. 
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