Campus pickle solved
Since its debut issue, The Whittington
Weekly has bombarded campus with “true” stories of lunacy and injustice.
However, since the Weekly’s controversial premier, many critics
have pondered the question: “Are these guys just venting their feelings
in a way that brings humiliation to the school, or can they actually harness
their power in an effort to bring about reform on the campus?”
In response to these skeptics who may, at
times, think of us as uncaring pessimists, we bring this breaking coverage…”
Let’s call it Round 1. In Issue 2, the
Weekly staff posted “The
WW Top Ten,” a top ten list similar to the tradition of David Letterman.
This list featured the Weekly staff’s top ten ways that the college could
save money to assist in the devastating spring budget crisis.
Some readers may recall the number four solution
to the crisis as stated in the article: “Stop giving away pickles at Hampstead’s.”
The logic behind this request lies in that many (if not all) Hampstead’s
customers receive that darn pickle along with their orders and immediately
toss the dill into the nearest waste receptacle. Let’s face it—hardly anyone
really wants it and nobody really needs it.
Thus, great portions of the food shipments
to Hampsteads arrive in the garbage without ever being enjoyed by a customer.
We might as well chunk a million dollars right in the trash.
After the posting of Issue 2, a few months
passed and summer came before the student body saw any reaction to the
suggestion. However, at the beginning of this year’s fall semester, the
truth has come out.
As students returned to Hampstead’s to face
horrendous lines and new bouts with the Columbo yogurt, they felt a change
in the air. One student ordered a chicken finger basket, and after being
seated, realized that he had not received his pickle. He simply brushed
the encounter aside, explaining, “I guess they forgot.”
An SGA member then walked by with her take-out
and exclaimed, “Hey! No pickle!” At this juncture, the first student
strolled to the counter and asked the cashier if Hampstead’s still gives
pickles with their meal.
The response: “No, we discontinued the pickles
during the summer.” Stunned, the student requested more information, to
which the cashier replied, “Let me get my manager.”
The manager explained that it was decided
during the summer that pickles would no longer be served with meals at
Hampstead’s. The reason: “Because they make the sandwiches and chips soggy.”
Well, we can’t argue with that. They did make
the sandwiches and chips soggy.
However, you can’t even start to tell us that
this “soggy sandwich” theory alone was enough to justify doing away with
the entire pickle policy.
But let this knowledge stand: For whatever
reason, campus authorities have taken heed and ratified a proposal originally
published in the pages of The Whittington Weekly. -- E.Z.
article was intended for parody purposes only.
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