Volume 1, Issue 2 -- April 3, 2000

The Whittington 
Weekly Top Ten
Our solutions to the budget crisis

As a result of the budget problems that our campus is going through, many changes are taking place to try and cut costs and save a little money. We here at The Whittington Weekly have put together a list of the top ten things that the administration should do to help cut costs: 

1. Put members of the faculty and staff in a dunking booth.

Not satisfied with that last test score? Tired of meaningless assignments? Well, grab a softball and take out all of your frustrations. Wholesome wet fun for all!

2. Turn Ratliff into an insane asylum.

No one goes there anyway. Who would know?

3. Turn banquette hall into a casino to match carpet.

Don't hide it. We all know what's going on up there. Might as well go all the way. Casino Choctaw anyone?

4. Stop giving out the pickles at Hampsteads.

Really. Must everyone who orders a meal receive a free complimentary dill? Do you know how many of these go straight into the trash?

5. Cut out Monday and Friday classes, to save on teacher salaries and electric bills.

Four day weekends all around! No one wants to see it, but surely students could find it in their hearts to sacrifice for the financial well being of our college.

6. Stop construction on waterfall and put a garden hose up there for the fountain effect.

A garden hose would serve the same purpose, and the leering construction workers could go home. Please, the women residents will thank you.

7. Rent out Whittington as a police training center.

It's already used as a facility for drug canines, but now you have our permission.

8. Close bathrooms from 9 p.m. to 9 a.m. to cut back on toilet paper costs.

Come on people, hold it! WalMart's not that far of a walk. Your car's probably over there anyway. 

9. Charge spectators to watch cheerleaders practice in Quad.

C'mon, when there's cheerleading practice in the afternoon, the Quad is always just a little more busy. Pay-per-drool.

10. Cut off electricity to dorms on the weekend.

Not only will the wrath of Mr. Freeze be mitigated, no one will really notice since everyone goes home anyway.

The above article was intended for parody purposes only. 
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