The Whittington
Weekly Top Ten
Our solutions to the budget
crisis
As a result of the budget problems that our
campus is going through, many changes are taking place to try and cut costs
and save a little money. We here at The Whittington Weekly have
put together a list of the top ten things that the administration should
do to help cut costs:
1. Put
members of the faculty and staff in a dunking booth.
Not satisfied with that last test score? Tired
of meaningless assignments? Well, grab a softball and take out all of your
frustrations. Wholesome wet fun for all!
2. Turn
Ratliff into an insane asylum.
No one goes there anyway. Who would know?
3. Turn
banquette hall into a casino to match carpet.
Don't hide it. We all know what's going on
up there. Might as well go all the way. Casino Choctaw anyone?
4. Stop
giving out the pickles at Hampsteads.
Really. Must everyone who orders a meal receive
a free complimentary dill? Do you know how many of these go straight into
the trash?
5. Cut
out Monday and Friday classes, to save on teacher salaries and electric
bills.
Four day weekends all around! No one wants
to see it, but surely students could find it in their hearts to sacrifice
for the financial well being of our college.
6. Stop
construction on waterfall and put a garden hose up there for the fountain
effect.
A garden hose would serve the same purpose,
and the leering construction workers could go home. Please, the women residents
will thank you.
7. Rent
out Whittington as a police training center.
It's already used as a facility for drug canines,
but now you have our permission.
8. Close
bathrooms from 9 p.m. to 9 a.m. to cut back on toilet paper costs.
Come on people, hold it! WalMart's not that
far of a walk. Your car's probably over there anyway.
9. Charge
spectators to watch cheerleaders practice in Quad.
C'mon, when there's cheerleading practice
in the afternoon, the Quad is always just a little more busy. Pay-per-drool.
10. Cut
off electricity to dorms on the weekend.
Not only will the wrath of Mr. Freeze be mitigated,
no one will really notice since everyone goes home anyway.
The above
article was intended for parody purposes only.
Comments?
E-mail us. © Copyright 2000
