Volume 1, Issue 4 -- May 12, 2000

Temporary Walkway Abolished
Stepping Stones Receive Due Liberation

As the end of the spring semester approached, a battle that has waged for many months on the Quad came to a decisive halt. Since its inception, the temporary walkway that leads from the Quad down to College Street has faced many obstacles. These obstacles include its primary composition—garden mulch (which does not result the most stable of downhill walking surfaces), the unnatural angles at which the walkway was built (which cause physical disorientation among travelers), and, of course, the rebellious stepping stones (which have been a threat to travelers since the beginning). 

The stepping stones have proved to be the walkway’s most dangerous foe and have slowly migrated down the hill, threatening pre-assigned boundaries for months. 

Any passer-by will now notice that where the treacherous temporary walkway once lay, there now remains only a convoluted trail of leftover garden mulch—an eerie reminder of the stones who were once held captive. After a hard fought struggle with the wooden planks, the stones finally prevailed, denouncing the dominion of their magistrates.

The “capstone” of the Stone Battalion, Capstone, recently stated in an interview that the stones of the temporary walkway are “sick and tired of their subservient role in society.” He wants to convey to readers the yearning for liberty for which each and every stone is willing to risk his life. 

Capstone also explained the individualism professed among stones:  “We all have hopes and dreams. Ernie here hopes to someday serve at a retirement village. Eduardo over there has aspirations of starring in a hit prime time sitcom. And Little Mikey wants to be a fireman.”

The stone revolution has proved to be an overwhelming success. There have been reports of only one casualty—a valiant stone who had an unfortunate run-in with the monkey grass.

Many believe that the down side of these recent developments falls solely on the construction workers. Because of the shocking success of the Stone Battalion, construction on the historic College Street steps needed to increase rapidly.

All games of  “capture the flag,” “spotlight,” and “freeze-tag” were put on hold in an effort to save students and faculty from the dangerous grass hillside that becomes quite slippery with dew in the early morning hours.

As for the disjointed trail of mulch, it is now rendered totally useless, boasting only the scars of what once was—a walkway that was just a little bit more useful than it is now...but not much. 
-- E.Z. Mac

The above article was intended for parody purposes only.
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