Temporary Walkway Abolished
Stepping Stones Receive
the end of the spring semester approached, a battle that has waged for
many months on the Quad came to a decisive halt. Since its inception, the
temporary walkway that leads from the Quad down to College Street has faced
many obstacles. These obstacles include its primary composition—garden
mulch (which does not result the most stable of downhill walking surfaces),
the unnatural angles at which the walkway was built (which cause physical
disorientation among travelers), and, of course, the rebellious stepping
stones (which have been a threat to travelers since
The stepping stones have proved to be the
walkway’s most dangerous foe and have slowly migrated down the hill, threatening
pre-assigned boundaries for months.
passer-by will now notice that where the treacherous temporary walkway
once lay, there now remains only a convoluted trail of leftover garden
mulch—an eerie reminder of the stones who were once held captive. After
a hard fought struggle with the wooden planks, the stones finally prevailed,
denouncing the dominion of their magistrates.
The “capstone” of the Stone Battalion, Capstone,
recently stated in an interview that the stones of the temporary walkway
are “sick and tired of their subservient role in society.” He wants to
convey to readers the yearning for liberty for which each and every stone
is willing to risk his life.
Capstone also explained the individualism
professed among stones: “We all have hopes and dreams. Ernie here
hopes to someday serve at a retirement village. Eduardo over there has
aspirations of starring in a hit prime time sitcom. And Little Mikey wants
to be a fireman.”
The stone revolution has proved to be an overwhelming
success. There have been reports of only one casualty—a valiant stone who
had an unfortunate run-in with the monkey grass.
believe that the down side of these recent developments falls solely on
the construction workers. Because of the shocking success of the Stone
Battalion, construction on the historic College Street steps needed to
All games of “capture the flag,” “spotlight,”
and “freeze-tag” were put on hold in an effort to save students and faculty
from the dangerous grass hillside that becomes quite slippery with dew
in the early morning hours.
As for the disjointed trail of mulch, it is
now rendered totally useless, boasting only the scars of what once was—a
walkway that was just a little bit more useful than it is now...but not
-- E.Z. Mac
article was intended for parody purposes only.
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