Volume 1, Issue 2 -- April 3, 2000

Temporary Walkway Receives Praise from Students:
Stepping Stones Seek Liberation

Students are finally hailing one of last semester’s executive decisions as “brilliant” and
“ingenious” as the temporary walkway from the Quad to College Street has reached the point of absurdity. 

At the beginning of the fall semester, the historical steps that lead from the Quad
down to College Street were in perfect working order. If a student wished to walk down
the steps, he could easily accomplish this feat with no profound dilemma. Likewise, a student who ventured to ascend the steps to the Quad could also complete his task with a limited amount of problems -- more specifically, the weight of the student’s backpack combined with the force of gravity.

However, about mid-way through the semester, the administration saw fit to demolish the solid, convenient set of stairs and create a temporary walkway down the steep incline leading to College Street. This walkway is composed of a series of flat stepping stones laid systematically into a bed of one of earth’s most dense building
materials -- garden mulch. 

Students were quick to learn that the sharp, unnatural turns of the walkway made for an interesting adventure down the hill to College Street. Several students could be seen losing their balance and barrel rolling right off the walkway in a “dizzy spin” due to loss of their body’s natural equilibrium.

As an added bonus, months of erosion have caused the stones to begin migrating toward the bottom of the hill, creating large pile-ups and treacherous walking conditions for all travelers -- students and faculty alike. 

One stone was recently seen abandoning his brothers, transcending the pre-positioned borders of its area. It now lies in the grass, just outside the wooden border.

When I questioned the stone about its motives and its plans for the future, I received no response.  However, when Whittington Weekly staff member,  Shaggy Phat, underwent a private interview with the stone, the stone reportedly professed the following: “You people make me sick. You think you can walk all over us, dirty us with your shoes, and then walk quietly away without so much as saying ‘thank you.’ The day draweth nigh when the stones of earth shall rise up against thee! Arise! Arise!”

The stone later disclosed his life-long ambition to perform in a Broadway musical.

The walkway has thus been declared useless by its few supporters, encouraging many students to tackle the College Street hillside without the assistance of modern technologies.  One student who recently braved the wiles of the hillside is reported to have slipped and fallen on the wet ground, permanently soiling the backside of his shorts. 

Despite these inconveniences -- unnatural angles, a slippery hillside, aspirations of world-wide stone domination -- students and faculty remain optimistic. As the elongated construction period on the original College Street steps continues, they continually pray that the construction workers who are standing on the old steps waving their arms around in a state of boredom and playing games such as “capture the flag” with their construction equipment really know what the heck they’re doing. -- E.Z. Mac

All  articles are intended for parody purposes only. 
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