| Judge Judy: Alright, Mr. Chiles please
proceed with your closing argument.
Jackie: Thank you your honor. Ladies
and gentlemen, let me just say that from the beginning, this trial has
been condemned. Condemned by stupidity and absurdity. Who would file
a lawsuit against a giant marble ball? Because that’s all my client is...a
ball. Now, think with me for a second, what is a ball? What does
a ball do? It rolls. It bounces. It is meant for fun. CHILDREN play with
balls. They are harmless. Granted, Mr. Ku Gel is a very heavy ball made
of marble, but he is still a ball nonetheless. One’s weight does not decide
one’s classification. If you are overweight, does that mean you are no
longer a human being? I think not. To press charges against my client is
ridiculous, reprehensible, and retarded. He is harmless. He didn’t mean
any harm. Your honor, if I may, I’d like to play some footage of
my client in his natural environment—
Marcia Clark: Objection your honor!
That would be totally irrelevant—
Judge Judy: Hey Missy! Bup!
Bup! Bup! If I want you to talk, I’ll pull the strings!
Marcia: But your honor…
Judge Judy: Shut it yourself, before
I do! [holding up gavel] You may show the footage, Mr. Chiles.
Jackie: Why thank you your honor.
And might I say, you are one fine looking woman. You’re secure in—
Judge Judy: Do I look like a fried
lobster? Do I need to be buttered up?! If you had today until the
end of the millennium, sir, you still couldn't charm me! |
| Jackie: So sorry, your honor. [Clearing
throat] This footage shows my client in his natural environment, at his
campus home. As you can see, all he does is spin around and around. Students
pass him, put their hands on him, and even try to reverse his rotation.
Yet does he lash out? Does he retaliate? Absolutely not, he wouldn’t dream
of it. It’s not his nature. Which proves that what happened on that game
show was an ACCIDENT. He didn’t mean to do it. Ku got so overwhelmed
because of his victory, that he ACCIDENTally rolled onto Mr. Philbin.
He did not do it on purpose. That is the very nature of an accident. My
client was so excited that he might have raised some money for his college,
because he knew he would make a difference in people’s lives. Now
THAT is what my client stands for: helping, not hurting. You know, Mr.
Philbin, when you were taught to play sports as a kid, did the coach ever
tell you to “keep your eye on the ball?” I bet he did. YOU are at fault
here, Regis, not my client. Regis didn’t keep his eye on the ball.
Not Ku Gel. Maybe Regis should have kept his eye on the ball. Thank you.
<COURT ROOM CLIP ENDS>
Geraldo: Wow, a very stirring closing
argument by Jackie Chiles. Really makes you think.
Jane: I’m sorry to interrupt Geraldo,
but I’ve just been informed that the jury has reached a verdict.
Geraldo: Okay, well let’s go live to
the courtroom where our cameras are rolling. |
