WELCOME WEEK 2000 / END OF SUMMER WRAP-UP -- September 1 , 2000

ATM machine 
installed on campus
Student’s financial security in question

Students arriving back at [our college] this fall were in for a big surprise when entering Alumni Hall. Many en route to the campus post office and bookstore stopped cold in their tracks when they discovered the newest addition to campus—a Bancorp South ATM (that’s a “MAC Machine” for all you Pittsburghers out there).

This new ATM is a welcome sight for most students. It means that cash will now be available on campus at the push of a button—that’s without additional charges for Bancorp South account holders. No more emergency cash runs to the great strip of banks on Highway 80.

While most students are thrilled at the prospect of having such easy cash access, a few cynics are not so quick to admire this new piece of machinery.

One faction of a more radical campus organization is spreading propaganda, insinuating that most of the money lost in the great budget crisis is hidden within the iron confines of the ATM. Most students disregard this theory, claiming that it is stupid.

A more valid concern, however, exists in the ATM’s close proximity to a frequently used mail depository. One student relayed the following testimony concerning use of the ATM:

“I stopped by Alumni Hall last Friday to get some extra cash to cover my room key deposit, which conveniently increased from $10 to $20. As I entered my PIN number on the screen, I noticed a shady character (with a mask) staring at me from the mail depository.  I asked him what he was doing, and he said, ‘Oh, I’m just mailing these letters.  See?’ He then remained at that location for approximately six minutes and continued to stare at me. It was then that I became suspicious of his real intentions, left the ATM, and decided to save the key deposit for later.”

Still others complain that the ATM is simply too large, and thus, intimidates perspective users.  One student confessed that he was afraid that the ATM would “jump all over [him] and make [him] call him ‘daddy’.” -- E.Z. Mac

The above article was intended for parody purposes only.
Comments? E-mail us. © Copyright 2000