water down campus
visiting the campus this summer, the Whittington Weekly staff
discovered one of the most blatantly tragic budget cuts made by the administration
this year. After reuniting in the Whittington parking lot (where for once,
to their surprise, there was an abundance of empty parking spaces) the
staff hiked up to the piazza to visit their mutual friend, and former “Who
Wants to be a Millionaire” winner, the Kugel. But as their rotund pal came
into view, he was clearly not his usual, buoyant self. Upon closer inspection,
it was revealed that there was a reason for his lack of buoyancy – his
water cycle had been shut off!
No longer spinning merrily on his base, Kugel
was face down in his container. Shaggy Phat immediately tried to ask the
marble one about this dreadful situation but the only reply received was:
Quickly, the staff realized his face never
completed the rotation cycle and collectively, pushed him upright.
“Thanks guys! You don’t know how long I’ve
been in the dark. All I’ve been able to stare at for weeks is my drain,
which is unfortunately bone dry.”
After inquiring as to why his water was shut
off in the first place, Kugel could provide little explanation. He then
spouted off a lengthy story about the events that led up to his dehydration.
“I remember Dr. McMillan was making a visit to his office a few weeks ago.
We were chatting about the weather. He was wearing a straw sun hat…”
Dr. McMillan: Oh, well how you doin’
Kugel: All around, I’m doing okay.
How have you been, Dr. McMillan?
Dr. McMillan: Oh, I’ve been doin’ quite
well, thank you. How about this summer weather? Whenever I go outdoors,
I have to wear this hat, which I usually just use for my trips to Italy.
But it’s been pretty hot lately, see?
Kugel: I see, I see. So, what brings
you to campus?
Dr. McMillan: Well, I’m just checkin’
for graffiti on Provine, and to see how you were holding up. Plus, I have
a faculty meeting to attend. In fact, I’m almost five minutes late now,
ya got me?
Kugel: I got ya, Dr. Mac. Have a great
Dr. McMillan: Take care, my faithful
Kugel: <sigh> What a great man.
Anyway, back at it. (Begins to hum “Rollin’ on a River”) Rollin’, rollin’,
rollin’ on a riv-what the? Grruuummphhhfff!
“...and that’s the last thing I remember before
my water shut off and I rolled face down. Ever since then, I’ve been in
somewhat of a semi-dream state. And believe me, I went on some interesting
this “watering down” of campus is not an isolated incident. We found that
the fountains outside of Hampstead’s and inside Jennings Hall were also
not functioning. Even the potted plants surrounding the Kugel were wilted
from the heat.
“I don’t know why I’ve been left in this state
for so long,” whined the Kugel. “I mean, it’s obvious to anyone that I’m
a huge, BLACK, marble ball. Everyone knows that dark colors absorb heat
the most, so every pour of me is sunburn prone! I’m so dehydrated, to the
point where I am now beginning to hallucinate! Oh, the neglect! Howwie,
I thought you cared! <gasp!> Rosebud...”
Following the above outcry, the Kugel passed
out. The Whittington Weekly staff then pleaded with the college
administration to give the campus landmark-turned celebrity a week of vacation.
After their approval, administration stated that they only agreed because,
“They have more important matters at hand.”
the Kugel was so excited to have a break, that he finished packing within
three minutes. Then, Grandmaster Sexay, E.Z. Mac, and Shaggy Phat all assisted
in rolling the Kugel down the hill towards Whittington Hall. Concluding
that it was rather ludicrous to consider transporting an extremely heavy
marble sphere to Florida, the trio prepared a makeshift “sand spot” near
the Whittington volleyball court. Complete with a towel, a cold beverage,
a pair of sunglasses and a new bottle of Coppertone, the Kugel is currently
soaking up the rays in style – patiently waiting for everyone to return
to campus next week.
article was intended for parody purposes only.
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