WELCOME WEEK 2000 / END OF SUMMER WRAP-UP -- September 1 , 2000

Office of Bursar 
takes power:
Students charged excessive fines

This summer, just when students thought they were free from the hands of the administration, and parents thought it was safe to put away their wallets, many homes were abruptly plagued by a letter from the Office of Bursar. Most recipients shuddered at the very sight of this piece of mail, realizing that its place of origin is often responsible for the distribution of bills and invoices. 

And this letter was no exception. In addition to putting a damper on the summer months, the statement baffled students by failing to list what the charges were actually attributed to. 

After finally tracking down Dean Bursar (Head of the Office of Bursar), one Whittington Weekly staff member (me) discovered that most of the charges in this “summer harvest of funds” stem from dorm room damages. More specifically, the administration charged individual students an amount of money that is directly proportional to the amount of damages in their dorm room.

However, students found that in many cases, the amount of money charged did not equal the amount due to dorm room damage. In these cases, Dean Bursar reported that additional charges may have been added if a student’s hallway remained cluttered with trash after all residents had checked out.

Of course, since there is no base, or standard, “cluttered hallway” to which inspectors may look and arrive at a consistent method of assigning charges, all of these additional charges were of an erratic, subjective, and therefore, erroneous nature.

Apparently, it is the belief of many students that the so-called “cluttered hallway charges” are, in actuality, a method of scraping in more funds to compensate for the great budget crisis. And many students are outraged at this blatant cover-up. 

“Yeah, right. Nice explanation, Bursar. Don’t try to hide anything, because we will not be made fools of!” exclaimed one student protestor outside Nelson Hall.

Constant cries of disgust and protest can be heard from the picket line. One student explains, “We know what’s really going on. The college is desperate for funds, and Dean Bursar has let his jealousy for the Kugel’s hero status materialize in this underhanded conspiracy to wring more money from the campus residents.”

Kugel, recent “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” winner, was not available for comment as he is enjoying his summer vacation at the beach. 

Despite mounting evidence, students have continually found themselves at the mercy of Dean Bursar. One might say that he holds the student body in the palm of his hand. -- E.Z. Mac

The above article was intended for parody purposes only.
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