The search for E.Z. Mac
Tragedy hits the Weekly
SEXAY'S NOTICE: As many of you have
been aware, recently the Whittington Weekly celebrated our
one-year anniversary. Sadly, the jubilant festivities did not arrive without
tragedy. The entire staff has tried to keep this story under wraps for
awhile now, but with all of the recent rumors circulating, I feel that
it is time to shed some light on these recent happenings for our loyal
One sunny afternoon several weeks ago, myself
and fellow editor E.Z. Mac were strolling through the Quad, commenting
on the recent influx of insects invading the campus. I was en route to
class, and he was headed to Nelson Hall for a meeting with the campus publications
council. As I wished him luck, we parted ways, planning to rendezvous for
a run to Wendy's later that evening. Well, to put it bluntly...we never
went to Wendy's.
In fact, after that beautiful goodbye, I never
heard from E.Z. Mac again. According to eyewitness reports, he was last
seen entering the meeting, which was being held inside the Presidential
conference room. After further investigation, the only remnants of my beloved
comrade were found outside the President's office: a box of Easy Macaroni
shrouded in his favorite grass skirt, along with his sunglasses, cryptically
resting on top.
For weeks fellow staff member Shaggy Phat
and I have explored every possible avenue searching for answers. Thus far,
our quest has turned up very few leads...although we have our suspicions
(especially since a certain Director of Housing Life now has her hands
in campus publications). Drastic measures have been taken, including placing
a wanted ad on selected fruit punch cartons that reads:
"WHITTINGTON WEEKLY STAFF member disappears
seemingly into thin air after meeting with publications council. Mac was
a beloved student and writer for the Whitt Weekly, a renegade campus web
site. If you have any information as to his current whereabouts, please
contact our offices at email@example.com"
only response to this ad that we have received so far has been a photograph
from an elderly lady who lives in Oklahoma City. Apparently, she attended
a recent press conference with US Attorney General John Ashcroft. After
reviewing the pictures she took that afternoon, she noticed a strange figure
in the background of one of her photos. The lack of quality and color make
it harder to discern the identity of the mysterious figure, but strangely
I find myself hoping it is him so that I'll know that he's alright. Our
one-year convocation was not the same without him (or at least a fight
between him and Shaggy.
But now we need to ask you the readers for
help. If you have ANY information pertaining the whereabouts of the wily
Scot, please E-Mail us. If you
come into contact with him, do not approach him directly, as he can be
very temperamental. Instead, try to coax him out with music, preferably
anything by “The Three Triumphant Bagpipers”, his favorite band.
It's hard to express exactly what he means
to this fine publication, yet we will try to carry on in his absence. That's
what he would have wanted us to do...I'm sure of it. Of course, we will
keep you updated with any new developments. Oh friend, how I miss you.
-- Grandmaster Sexay
The above article was intended
for parody purposes only.
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