Volume 1, Issue 8 -- April 12, 2001

BREAKING NEWS
The search for E.Z. Mac
Tragedy hits the Weekly staff

SEXAY'S NOTICE: As many of you have been aware, recently the Whittington Weekly celebrated our one-year anniversary. Sadly, the jubilant festivities did not arrive without tragedy. The entire staff has tried to keep this story under wraps for awhile now, but with all of the recent rumors circulating, I feel that it is time to shed some light on these recent happenings for our loyal readers.

One sunny afternoon several weeks ago, myself and fellow editor E.Z. Mac were strolling through the Quad, commenting on the recent influx of insects invading the campus. I was en route to class, and he was headed to Nelson Hall for a meeting with the campus publications council. As I wished him luck, we parted ways, planning to rendezvous for a run to Wendy's later that evening. Well, to put it bluntly...we never went to Wendy's. 

In fact, after that beautiful goodbye, I never heard from E.Z. Mac again. According to eyewitness reports, he was last seen entering the meeting, which was being held inside the Presidential conference room. After further investigation, the only remnants of my beloved comrade were found outside the President's office: a box of Easy Macaroni shrouded in his favorite grass skirt, along with his sunglasses, cryptically resting on top.

 
For weeks fellow staff member Shaggy Phat and I have explored every possible avenue searching for answers. Thus far, our quest has turned up very few leads...although we have our suspicions (especially since a certain Director of Housing Life now has her hands in campus publications). Drastic measures have been taken, including placing a wanted ad on selected fruit punch cartons that reads:

"WHITTINGTON WEEKLY STAFF member disappears seemingly into thin air after meeting with publications council. Mac was a beloved student and writer for the Whitt Weekly, a renegade campus web site. If you have any information as to his current whereabouts, please contact our offices at whittweekly@aol.com"

The only response to this ad that we have received so far has been a photograph from an elderly lady who lives in Oklahoma City. Apparently, she attended a recent press conference with US Attorney General John Ashcroft. After reviewing the pictures she took that afternoon, she noticed a strange figure in the background of one of her photos. The lack of quality and color make it harder to discern the identity of the mysterious figure, but strangely I find myself hoping it is him so that I'll know that he's alright. Our one-year convocation was not the same without him (or at least a fight between him and Shaggy.

But now we need to ask you the readers for help. If you have ANY information pertaining the whereabouts of the wily Scot, please E-Mail us. If you come into contact with him, do not approach him directly, as he can be very temperamental. Instead, try to coax him out with music, preferably anything by The Three Triumphant Bagpipers, his favorite band.

It's hard to express exactly what he means to this fine publication, yet we will try to carry on in his absence. That's what he would have wanted us to do...I'm sure of it. Of course, we will keep you updated with any new developments. Oh friend, how I miss you. -- Grandmaster Sexay
 

The above article was intended for parody purposes only.
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