Hit me baby five
more times
Renegade female driver runs
loose
Residents
of New Men’s Residence Hall could be seen making frantic excursions to
the parking lot last week for the purpose of inspecting the well being
of their automobiles. The reason for this immediate concern was that a
certain female driver had an unfortunate encounter with several parked
cars.
Some time in the mid-afternoon, this driver,
who shall remain nameless, exited the loop into the R-3 parking lot between
New Men’s and the Healthplex. Exactly what happened at this point remains
unclear. It is speculated that the driver may have hit a speed bump and
lost control of the vehicle. Perhaps she was simply driving too fast. Some
rumors indicate that someone or something “spooked” the vehicle, causing
it to become reckless. Still others hold that the driver was emotionally
unstable due to the recent resignations of The Whittington Weekly
staff.
Whatever the cause, the driver plowed into
a parked car, which plowed into another parked car, which plowed into yet
another parked car. Following the collision, the driver, for whatever
reason, decided to flee the scene of the accident. Reportedly, she suddenly
desired to make a Wendy’s run and planned to take care of these pending
wreck matters at a later time. (We can commiserate. Those Wendy’s cravings
often come at the most inopportune times. I’m having one right now, in
fact.)
Unfortunately, the driver never made it out
of this parking lot of death. Upon turning towards the exit, she struck
another vehicle (this makes four cars for those of you who are keeping
score with us at home). She then decided that the Wendy’s run would just
have to wait, and she stopped the car, putting an end to the madness.
Crowds of students flooded the parking lot
during the aftermath of this event, along with several golf carts full
of security guards. Most of the students were relieved to find their respective
vehicles intact. However, four unfortunate individuals endured the startling
reality that their cars, although they were parked properly, were not immune
to this unexpected danger.
Senior Ashley Moseley is an eyewitness to
the accident(s). Moseley, during an interview with a Whittington
Weekly staff member, asserted the following observation: “It was
the worst two minutes of driving that I’ve ever seen.”
The event is also recorded to have brought
together the largest gathering of students since the Velcro wall on the
Quad during Spring Fever Week. -- E.Z. Mac
The above
article was intended for parody purposes only.
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