Volume 1, Issue 4 -- May 12, 2000

Hit me baby five more times
Renegade female driver runs loose

Residents of New Men’s Residence Hall could be seen making frantic excursions to the parking lot last week for the purpose of inspecting the well being of their automobiles. The reason for this immediate concern was that a certain female driver had an unfortunate encounter with several parked cars.
Some time in the mid-afternoon, this driver, who shall remain nameless, exited the loop into the R-3 parking lot between New Men’s and the Healthplex. Exactly what happened at this point remains unclear. It is speculated that the driver may have hit a speed bump and lost control of the vehicle. Perhaps she was simply driving too fast. Some rumors indicate that someone or something “spooked” the vehicle, causing it to become reckless. Still others hold that the driver was emotionally unstable due to the recent resignations of The Whittington Weekly staff.
Whatever the cause, the driver plowed into a parked car, which plowed into another parked car, which plowed into yet another parked car.  Following the collision, the driver, for whatever reason, decided to flee the scene of the accident. Reportedly, she suddenly desired to make a Wendy’s run and planned to take care of these pending wreck matters at a later time. (We can commiserate. Those Wendy’s cravings often come at the most inopportune times. I’m having one right now, in fact.)
Unfortunately, the driver never made it out of this parking lot of death. Upon turning towards the exit, she struck another vehicle (this makes four cars for those of you who are keeping score with us at home). She then decided that the Wendy’s run would just have to wait, and she stopped the car, putting an end to the madness.
Crowds of students flooded the parking lot during the aftermath of this event, along with several golf carts full of security guards. Most of the students were relieved to find their respective vehicles intact. However, four unfortunate individuals endured the startling reality that their cars, although they were parked properly, were not immune to this unexpected danger.  

Senior Ashley Moseley is an eyewitness to the accident(s). Moseley, during an interview with a Whittington Weekly staff member, asserted the following observation: “It was the worst two minutes of driving that I’ve ever seen.”  
The event is also recorded to have brought together the largest gathering of students since the Velcro wall on the Quad during Spring Fever Week. -- E.Z. Mac

The above article was intended for parody purposes only.
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