Volume 1, Issue 4 -- May 12, 2000

Jennings "hangman" incident
Exam pressure causes dummy suicide

Students on their way to pick up their “Living the Legacy” annuals in Alumni Hall at the end of the semester became victims of a disturbingly cruel hoax. One student recalls, “I had just picked up my yearbook and was casually flipping through it, when suddenly I heard a group of females screaming over by the Kugel. I didn’t think that much of it at first, because they had just picked up yearbooks as well. Maybe they just didn’t like their pictures. Boy, was I wrong. I looked up, and there was a dead body hanging off the third floor of Jennings.”

Immediately, the campus erupted into turmoil.  Traumatized students embraced and wept on each other’s shoulders. Campus security taped makeshift red crosses to their golf carts and sputtered to the scene of the tragedy.  

The air was filled with questions and with answers few and far between. Had the student snapped under the pressure of final exams? Or had CSC 114 claimed yet another victim? Maybe the student just completely misunderstood the meaning of “Dead Week” altogether.

Upon making the ascent to the third floor of Jennings, rescuers found to their dismay, that the body was actually that of a dummy, not of a real human being. Apparently, the largest college in the Clinton area had been the victim of a very convincing prank.  

“Who would have the nerve to play with our emotions at a stressful time like this?” stated one female student, as she wiped the mascara that ran down her face.  

“I just don’t get it,” stated another student.  “How could a dummy so closely resemble a real human being? His limp body swayed in the wind and everything.”

Besides destroying the emotional stability of most students, this outrageous stunt could have cost the college some potential enrollees. An anonymous student recruiter accounts: “We had just started on our campus tour. I took them through the Baptist Healthplex, and then we stopped by Hampstead’s. Then I began to introduce them to our educational facilities, namely Jennings Hall.  As I was reading the title on the building, ‘Jennings Hall, founded in SWEET MERCY!’ the hanging corpse fell right in front of the building’s date. They ran screaming down the hill to their cars. I guess I better start looking for another job, huh?” -- Grandmaster Sexay

The above article was intended for parody purposes only.
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