EXCLUSIVE:
Another administration cover-up?
Discolored Quad grass painted
green
While
our college’s admini- stration has attempted to cover-up many of the mistakes
they have made in the last few months, The Whittington Weekly
was recently tipped off to a new scandal that completely overshadows the
rest. Students have undoubtedly noticed that as the school year approached
its end, certain “patches” of grass on the Quad have turned a putrid, “off-yellow”
color—a stark contrast to the normal spring green tint of Clinton grass.
Many
speculated that even the grass was mourning the loss of our Dean of Students;
however, the truth behind the matter was recently disclosed to Shaggy Phat
and Grandmaster Sexay. Upon strolling through campus one day, the duo noticed
a suspicious man lingering around the yellow patches, carrying a fire extinguisher-like
tank with a hose attached. When questioned about his intentions, the man
stated that he was ordered to “rectify” the discoloration problem. As the
two observed his methods, they found that the minute he sprayed the mystery
substance on the yellow portions, it magically became a vibrant green again.
Excited at the prospect of this new groundbreaking miracle fertilizer,
Shaggy Phat inquired as to where the product could be obtained.
“Oh this here is just paint,” stated the hose
man.
“PAINT?!?” exclaimed the students.
“Yup. See, it was my fault that the grass
ever got this way. I used some bad herbicide. So, I got a phone call, asking
me to come fix the problem. I offered to bring some fresh Miracle
Grow, but they thought paint would just be easier. So, here I am, painting
the grasses green, kinda like on Alice in Wonderland, ya know?”
If our school is this keen on taking short-cuts,
even to the extent of passing up fertilizer for green paint, one has to
wonder how much this institution really cares the about grass and
“higher growing.”
-- Whittington Weekly staff report
The above
article was intended for parody purposes only.
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