Volume 1, Issue 4 -- May 12, 2000

Another administration cover-up?
Discolored Quad grass painted green

While our college’s admini- stration has attempted to cover-up many of the mistakes they have made in the last few months, The Whittington Weekly was recently tipped off to a new scandal that completely overshadows the rest. Students have undoubtedly noticed that as the school year approached its end, certain “patches” of grass on the Quad have turned a putrid, “off-yellow” color—a stark contrast to the normal spring green tint of Clinton grass. 

Many speculated that even the grass was mourning the loss of our Dean of Students; however, the truth behind the matter was recently disclosed to Shaggy Phat and Grandmaster Sexay. Upon strolling through campus one day, the duo noticed a suspicious man lingering around the yellow patches, carrying a fire extinguisher-like tank with a hose attached. When questioned about his intentions, the man stated that he was ordered to “rectify” the discoloration problem. As the two observed his methods, they found that the minute he sprayed the mystery substance on the yellow portions, it magically became a vibrant green again. Excited at the prospect of this new groundbreaking miracle fertilizer, Shaggy Phat inquired as to where the product could be obtained. 

“Oh this here is just paint,” stated the hose man. 
“PAINT?!?” exclaimed the students.
“Yup. See, it was my fault that the grass ever got this way. I used some bad herbicide. So, I got a phone call, asking me to come fix the problem.  I offered to bring some fresh Miracle Grow, but they thought paint would just be easier. So, here I am, painting the grasses green, kinda like on Alice in Wonderland, ya know?”

If our school is this keen on taking short-cuts, even to the extent of passing up fertilizer for green paint, one has to wonder how much this institution really cares the about grass and  “higher growing.” 
-- Whittington Weekly staff report

The above article was intended for parody purposes only.
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