Volume 1, Issue 3 -- April 20, 2000





The Hand That Rocks  
The Cradle 
The mood on campus is about to change... 


Due to the recent loss of our Dean of Students, guys that live on campus have had a change in the way their housing affairs work. The torch of control over men’s residence life has been passed to a new hand. Consequently, the word from above is that dorm sign up will be done by seniority from now on. What this means is that the freshmen  that now live in New Men’s Resident's Hall will be booted out come May. As the semester started they expected to have a room secured in this luxurious dorm for the rest of their time at our college, but that is sadly not the case now. When the Whittington Weekly interviewed some freshmen who will possibly lose their rooms they commented, “I believe we have been dealt a bad hand with this new policy.” Another student was heard saying “Are you kidding? I would give my right hand to be in that dorm.”  

Now, it has come to our attention that some brave students have even questioned administration about what can be done to help their situation. The response they received was: “Talk to the hand cause the face don’t want to hear it anymore.” Has our college's leadership strayed so far off course, that the right hand doesn't have a clue what the left is doing? We now believe that administration should be given a big hand of applause after most of the student body had to sit in a line for over seven hours to try and get a dorm room for next year. 

In related news, some one destroyed the automatic door at the east end of Whittington.  Reports said someone broke it with their bare hands.  According to a memo that the residents received, “Our college does not budget large sums of money to cover malicious damages. That is not good stewardship.” One has to wonder, when discussing 
this campus and good stewardship, should the hand really point to the students?  RA’s scurried down halls shouting, “All hands on deck!” in preparation for dorm meetings to discuss the damaged door. Whittington residents’ parents were handed a notice that a fine of fifteen dollars was charged to each student’s account. Most parents are reluctant to hand over that amount of money, 
because they do not believe that the door could possibly cost that much. 

In the end, students are trying their best to cope with the hand fate has dealt them. One resident of NMRH put it best when he concluded, “We wish things could have remained the same, but there’s just no turning back the hands of time.” 
-- Shaggy Phat 

The above article was intended for parody purposes only.  
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