Volume 1, Issue 3 -- April 20, 2000

"Kiss my bass"
Open dorms become a little fishy

On the evening of March 30, it was business as usual in Whittington Hall as a handful of unsuspecting female students bravely ventured into the mouth of unholiness to visit guy friends during open dorms. Whittington (which is not exactly famous for rolling out the red carpet for the ladies) reeked of a musty, not-so-fresh odor while trash littered the seemingly endless halls. Upon reading the dedication plaque in the front foyer, which stated: “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here,” the girls reluctantly proceded to follow the strange smell throughout the first floor. 

Suddenly, shrieks of terror echoed through the brick-laden catacombs as the perplexed females beheld a disturbing sight: a relatively small bass was hanging from the ceiling in the hallway, attached with duct tape and a piece of chewing gum. Originally intended as some sort of primitive form of mistletoe, the first floor residents thought the scaled specimen might attract the babes, appealing to their keen olfactory glands. In the end however, the incident gave the softer sex the reason they needed to hightail it out of their nightmare and back to the safe confines of Mary Nelson. Following the girls' departure, one “genius” behind the stunt remarked, “Aw man, what rotten luck. I thought for sure that bass might lure ‘em over here. Ah well, what’s for dinner?” – Grandmaster Sexay

The above article was intended for parody purposes only. 
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