"Kiss my bass"
Open dorms become a little
the evening of March 30, it was business as usual in Whittington Hall as
a handful of unsuspecting female students bravely ventured into the mouth
of unholiness to visit guy friends during open dorms. Whittington (which
is not exactly famous for rolling out the red carpet for the ladies) reeked
of a musty, not-so-fresh odor while trash littered the seemingly endless
halls. Upon reading the dedication plaque in the front foyer, which stated:
“Abandon all hope, ye who enter here,” the girls reluctantly proceded to
follow the strange smell throughout the first floor.
shrieks of terror echoed through the brick-laden catacombs as the perplexed
females beheld a disturbing sight: a relatively small bass was hanging
from the ceiling in the hallway, attached with duct tape and a piece of
chewing gum. Originally intended as some sort of primitive form of mistletoe,
the first floor residents thought the scaled specimen might attract the
babes, appealing to their keen olfactory glands. In the end however, the
incident gave the softer sex the reason they needed to hightail it out
of their nightmare and back to the safe confines of Mary Nelson. Following
the girls' departure, one “genius” behind the stunt remarked, “Aw man,
what rotten luck. I thought for sure that bass might lure ‘em over here.
Ah well, what’s for dinner?” – Grandmaster Sexay
article was intended for parody purposes only.
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