Volume 1, Issue 2 -- April 3, 2000

The Randle factor
And all that rubbish...

Upon entering English office 311, the Whittington Weekly staff members were offered seats in comfortable armchairs while their host, Dr. Jonathan Randle kindly took a seat on the floor in the corner of his office.  Ringleader, Grandmaster Sexay was the first to comment on the soothing Masterpiece Theatre style music that played gently in the background.  Randle immediately took umbrage at the statement:  “Do you have a problem with my music?” 

Dr. Jonathan Randle is in his second semester as an English professor at our institution for higher learning. In 1990, Randle enrolled at this, the largest college in Clinton, Miss., as an undergraduate student.  After achieving his degrees in History and English, Randle entered the University of Cambridge in England (not to be confused with Cambridge University of Idaho).  In June of 1999, he graduated with a Ph.D. in Old English and Literature.  Randle received the offer to come back to his alma mater and teach just before his graduation.

Today, when he is not mesmerizing students with his unique style of lecturing, Randle may be seen roaming the halls and classrooms of Jennings Hall wearing his trademark “Technicolor dream vest” and regulating with his favorite sword, Excalibur.  Randle holds that most of his somewhat erratic actions and dress can in some way relate back to literature.

According to Geoffrey of Monmouth’s work, History of the Kings of Britain, King Arthur, after defeating a giant, won a coat comprised of the beards of many royal men.  Randle, a self- professed Anglo-Saxonist, claims that his “Technicolor dream vest” is, in his mind, a coat of beards of sorts.  “I wear it to the envy of fashion conscious people on campus,” explains Randle.

As a direct result of the influence of Edwin Arlington Robinson’s poem, “Miniver Cheevy,” Randle has hung his sword, Excalibur, on his office wall. Excalibur has also had an effect on other faculty members as it gives them something to play with in their spare time.

When students enter the classroom to hear one of Randle’s lectures, many sit in anticipation to see whether Randle will have his trademark goatee or not. Randle presently does not have a goatee; when questioned about its leaving, Randle claims that the goatee “got up and walked away on its own.” 

Having been a Resident Director in Whittington Hall during his time as a student, Randle possesses many fond memories of life at [this college]. He probably shared living space with some of the same generation of roaches that inhabits the campus today, and he ruled with an iron fist by patrolling the halls of the dorm with Excalibur.  Quite the Don Juan of campus, Randle claims to have had seven dates in two hours, but quickly concedes that he never cooked for them.

Upon returning to campus last year, Randle was surprised to find that 27 new buildings had been added to campus since his time as a student.

While at school in England, Randle underwent an elaborate initiating ceremony when franchise supervisor, Old King Cole, accepted his application for employment at McDonald’s. During this hiring ceremony, which was conducted in Latin, Randle was made to pull some guy’s finger while reciting the oath of Biggus Macius.  “Being hired was a tremendous honor.  Most people don’t realize the immense difference in work ethic that exists in England,” asserted Randle. A picture of the event is now displayed on his bookcase. 

Randle calls special attention to the strange chess set that now lies on his filing cabinet.  The chess set is from Kosovo. Randle received it from actor George Clooney when he visited Mississippi for the making of his hit movie, The (Chess) Piecemaker. 

Just before the Whittington Weekly staff members left his office, Dr. Randle lightened the mood by playing some audio clips from Monty Python and the Holy Grail and arranging his collection of coffee mugs for a “mugshot.” He also encouraged the reporters:  “If you have any more questions, you can call me.  But don't call me after 6:30; that’s when I go to bed.” 
-- Whittington Weekly staff

The above article was intended for parody purposes only.
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