Whittington Hall
freezes over
Students prepare for nuclear
winter
Residents
returning from Spring Break to their rooms inside Whittington Hall (otherwise
known as the gate to the nether regions) were perplexed to find the air
temperature to be about 20 degrees, inside. Apparently, Mr. Freeze (the
personification affectionately given to the air conditioner on the second
floor) had awakened from his slumbering, and he was ready to abolish any
tidings of warmth the spring weather might bring returning students.
Jonathan Metts, Resident Assistant for the
second floor, recalls previous attacks by Freeze. “This has happened before,
especially last semester,” he stated. “But that was even worse, during
the dead of winter here in Clinton. However, this latest attempt to spoil
our Spring Fever week is uncalled for.”
In hopes of avoiding the imminent nuclear
winter, students attempting to stay warm have resorted to wearing sweats
and gloves to bed. One student was found underneath eight layers of covers,
curled up in the fetal position, as the vent above him relentlessly pumped
out freezing Alaskan air into the room. Through chattering teeth he stated,
“Wwwwhy does the wwind…hhhhave to bbbb-blow?”
Those more resourceful have attempted, in
vain, to block the air from coming out of their room’s vent with duct tape
and other adhesive products. But usually, the result is always the same:
The tape loosens as Mr. Freeze blasts through the vent blockage and once
again spews forth his icy wrath. “Foolish freshmen, how can you dare prolong
the judgement of Freeze?” he cries, in a voice strangely similar
to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s.
Will Mr. Freeze succeed in his plan to turn
all freshmen men into human popsicles? Or will the students once again
emerge triumphant over their icy foe? What does he have against these innocent
victims, anyway? We’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, stay tuned: same
Whittington time, same Whittington channel. – Grandmaster Sexay
The above
article was intended for parody purposes only.
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