Volume 1, Issue 2 -- April 3, 2000

Whittington Hall 
freezes over
Students prepare for nuclear winter

Residents returning from Spring Break to their rooms inside Whittington Hall (otherwise known as the gate to the nether regions) were perplexed to find the air temperature to be about 20 degrees, inside. Apparently, Mr. Freeze (the personification affectionately given to the air conditioner on the second floor) had awakened from his slumbering, and he was ready to abolish any tidings of warmth the spring weather might bring returning students. 

Jonathan Metts, Resident Assistant for the second floor, recalls previous attacks by Freeze. “This has happened before, especially last semester,” he stated. “But that was even worse, during the dead of winter here in Clinton. However, this latest attempt to spoil our Spring Fever week is uncalled for.”

In hopes of avoiding the imminent nuclear winter, students attempting to stay warm have resorted to wearing sweats and gloves to bed. One student was found underneath eight layers of covers, curled up in the fetal position, as the vent above him relentlessly pumped out freezing Alaskan air into the room. Through chattering teeth he stated, “Wwwwhy does the wwind…hhhhave to bbbb-blow?”

Those more resourceful have attempted, in vain, to block the air from coming out of their room’s vent with duct tape and other adhesive products. But usually, the result is always the same: The tape loosens as Mr. Freeze blasts through the vent blockage and once again spews forth his icy wrath. “Foolish freshmen, how can you dare prolong the judgement of Freeze?”  he cries, in a voice strangely similar to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s.

Will Mr. Freeze succeed in his plan to turn all freshmen men into human popsicles? Or will the students once again emerge triumphant over their icy foe? What does he have against these innocent victims, anyway? We’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, stay tuned: same Whittington time, same Whittington channel. – Grandmaster Sexay

The above article was intended for parody purposes only. 
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