Cafeteria Cup Catastrophe
Drink containers loose on
campus
B.C.
ROGERS: Many of the college’s cafeteria workers are up in arms over
a recent trend that has developed in regard to the location of cafeteria
cups. The yellow, plastic cafeteria cups have turned up unexpectedly all
over campus.
While passing the Kugel on the way to the
Post Office, one student reported seeing two students kicking a cup back
and forth in the grassy area in what appeared to be a game of “cafeteria
cup soccer.”
Other cups have been seen in random classrooms
around campus, such as Jennings room #208 and Jennings Annex room #100.
Outside
the New Men’s Residence Hall, a horrific sight is to be seen. The walkway
and parking lot has become somewhat of a cafeteria cup graveyard.
Obviously, some miscreants have decided to take matters into their own
hands and make sure that these cups will never again make the journey around
the conveyor belt into the cafeteria kitchen.
Cafeteria worker, Ellie Harmon, confesses
that the crew was caught off-guard by such a rigorous onslaught. “We just
don’t have enough cups to go around,” she said. “If reinforcements do not
arrive soon, we can say goodbye to the coffee mugs as well.”
Littering the post office
and desecrating Provine, the "plague" of beverage containers knows no boundaries.
The cafeteria cup smuggling has led to other
questions. Is the construction around the cafeteria contributing to a sense
of anarchy? If so, does the fate of all cafeteria equipment lie in the
hands of Caterpillar Inc.? Does the prevalent habit among students of taking
two cups at each meal sitting have any bearing on the inventory losses?
Perhaps the losses are simply a result of
moral degradation among students in general. This theory was probably best
exemplified when one student was seen descending the cafeteria stairs with
an empty cafeteria cup in hand. He looked around to see if anyone was in
the vicinity; he then heaved the cup in the general direction of the Quad
while yelling, “Because of the moral degradation among students, I heave
this cup in the general direction of the Quad!” -- E.Z. Mac
The above
article was intended for parody purposes only.
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