Volume 1, Issue 2 -- April 3, 2000

Cafeteria Cup Catastrophe
Drink containers loose on campus

B.C. ROGERS: Many of the college’s cafeteria workers are up in arms over a recent trend that has developed in regard to the location of cafeteria cups. The yellow, plastic cafeteria cups have turned up unexpectedly all over campus.

While passing the Kugel on the way to the Post Office, one student reported seeing two students kicking a cup back and forth in the grassy area in what appeared to be a game of “cafeteria cup soccer.” 

Other cups have been seen in random classrooms around campus, such as Jennings room #208 and Jennings Annex room #100. 

Outside the New Men’s Residence Hall, a horrific sight is to be seen. The walkway and parking lot has become somewhat of a cafeteria cup graveyard.  Obviously, some miscreants have decided to take matters into their own hands and make sure that these cups will never again make the journey around the conveyor belt into the cafeteria kitchen.

Cafeteria worker, Ellie Harmon, confesses that the crew was caught off-guard by such a rigorous onslaught. “We just don’t have enough cups to go around,” she said. “If reinforcements do not arrive soon, we can say goodbye to the coffee mugs as well.”

Littering the post office and desecrating Provine, the "plague" of beverage containers knows no boundaries.

The cafeteria cup smuggling has led to other questions. Is the construction around the cafeteria contributing to a sense of anarchy? If so, does the fate of all cafeteria equipment lie in the hands of Caterpillar Inc.? Does the prevalent habit among students of taking two cups at each meal sitting have any bearing on the inventory losses?

Perhaps the losses are simply a result of moral degradation among students in general. This theory was probably best exemplified when one student was seen descending the cafeteria stairs with an empty cafeteria cup in hand. He looked around to see if anyone was in the vicinity; he then heaved the cup in the general direction of the Quad while yelling, “Because of the moral degradation among students, I heave this cup in the general direction of the Quad!”  -- E.Z. Mac

The above article was intended for parody purposes only. 
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