Volume 1, Issue 2 -- April 3, 2000

Update: CSC 114
The madness continues

MCC 105: Students morn as the cruel game known as CSC 114 continues after a brief Spring Break intermission. In our last report, many victims of the course were considering, and even attempted, to take their own lives. Whittington Weekly has received several E-Mail’s from these poor souls who read our report and were persuaded to remain among the living for now. But another problem has been brought to our attention…

In a recent lecture on the “seduction of technology,” [a certain Computer Science instructor] subjected students to a new punishment. While the course is designed to increase interest and understanding of today’s computer, students quickly had any ounce of tech curiosity scared out of them. Making use of excerpts from the book of Revelation, the instructor revealed that the same technology that created Barry’s Clip Art will one day be used in conjunction with the very mark of the Prince of Darkness. Students were disillusioned as she stated, “Truth be known, this technology exists today. Well, I guess it doesn’t really exist because it’s not in use yet. But we’re close.”

One particular student weepingly pleaded, “I don’t wanna die!” He then darted for the window in the back of the classroom, but instead ran into the brick wall and collapsed to the floor. Watching in terror, students morbidly exclaimed, “My God.”  After pausing briefly to admire the chaos, the instructor went back to speaking incoherently. At the conclusion of class, the victims stampeded from the classroom longing for a glance at sunlight. After bounding up the steps to the first floor of Self Hall, students were dismayed to find the doors to the side entrance sealed tight. Following futile attempts to open the doors after repeatedly pressing the handicap button, one student shouted, “Over here!” as the group bounded out the front entrance of Self. Blinking, stepping into the sun, many students fell to the ground and wept while others deeply breathed the fresh air of freedom.

When questioned again by Whittington Weekly, the instructor’s face glazed over and stated the following: “Why is it that when you kill a man in battle, you’re called a hero; Yet when you kill a man in the heat of passion, it’s considered murder?” Upon leaving [the instructor’s] office, we couldn’t help but feel that something was terribly wrong. More as this situation continues to develop…  -- Grandmaster Sexay

The above article was intended for parody purposes only. 
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