|As seen in The Collegian | Volume 1, Issue 10 -- January 29, 2002|
SWOR AUDITORIUM -- During one of the last chapel sessions of the 2001 fall semester, God, the omniscient Creator of the universe, made a surprising visible appearance to clarify Genesis 1:28 for MC students and how it relates to His divine blueprint for sustaining the world's population.
"Look, if I could have everyone's attention for awhile...I have a lot to make clear in twenty minutes," said the Lord, with a solemn look expressed on His radiant visage. "Most of you do not pay attention in chapel, so you would not recognize My presence during this time anyway. Now you have no choice but to put away your books and focus on Me."
The appearance came as a shock to chapel attendants, who usually aren't accustomed to encountering the Lover of their Souls during the weekly ritual of announcements and SGA speeches. Most normally pass the required time cramming for the next class period, pondering the cafeteria's lunch offerings, sleeping, or trying to formulate a passable excuse for why their ID is missing for the second consecutive week.
"One minute that Treadway guy was blabbing on about something, and then there was a blinding flash," recalled a member of the Choctaw baseball team, who usually sits in the balcony. "Next thing I knew, God was standing behind the podium...and the room was full of a holy reverence for once.'"
According to the Lord, His decision to manifest on the material plane was motivated by frustration with MC students and their unorthodox dating practices. "I have sat and observed from above for long enough," said God, also called Yahweh, Wonderful, Counselor, and The Almighty. "So, now that I am here, I have to ask, for the love of Adam, what is with you people?"
"Ever since I brought you that unwed president back in '94, things have grown increasingly distorted when it comes to romance around here. So, I tried moving him away in July, but you all seem content to continue in the tradition of solitary singleness, or at least self-destructive practices that will ultimately lead to such an existence."
Worshipped by thousands of Choctaws campus-wide, God also sternly revealed discontent that His Name has been invoked countless times over the last semester as a reason to evade a dating relationship in what He called "an unending cycle of madness and heartache."
"I don't care how much time someone spends playing worship songs on a guitar in the quad," God said. "If a person tells you its God's will that they break up with you because they 'should not be in a relationship right now', and then you observe them walking hand in hand with someone else the next day, they obviously were not really seeking me in the first place, even if they are a Christian studies major. Got it? God's will usually equals consistency."
Continued God, "I thought I made it crystal clear in the Bible, because the survival of the human race is pretty important. When I said, 'Be fruitful, and multiply' I meant it. News flash: The survival of the human race essentially revolves around healthy relationships between male and females. If the rest of the world adopted the MC dating philosophy, I would venture to guess that mankind would cease to exist."
God then went on to further clarify that humans DO have His blessing to consort with members of the opposite sex, and it was by His provision that the SGA increased opportunities for visitation this year.
"Don't you see? I'm trying to do my absolute best to create an environment that is conducive to socializing. Haven't I provided enough swings for you? And what was up with the Homecoming dance, men? I don't know what some of you are waiting for. Graduation will be here soon, and there's only so many admission counselor positions..."
With spring steadily approaching, the timing of the Creator's message was no coincidence. "My precious children, I have a wonderful, prosperous plan for each of your lives," reassured God. "For most of you, this includes a family of your own, eventually. What I'm trying to say is, I don't need any Baptist nuns, girls!"
In conclusion, The Rock of Ages then further clarified that of course, fruitful students should wait until marriage to carry out "the multiply part."
God then regretfully declined an invitation for a game of ultimate frisbee, because His presence was needed at a Harry Potter press conference in Utah. -- Grandmaster Sexay