Volume 1, Issue 1 -- February 21, 2000

"This Bathroom's closed"
Student baffled to find bathroom rights denied by Whittington janitor

At the beginning of this semester, one returning freshmen trying to “get back into the groove” of Whittington dorm life came across a peculiar situation when heading for his morning shower. He was denied access to the facility on his side of the hall when one of Whittington’s infamous janitors stated, “Sorry, this bathroom’s closed.” Apparently, the “custodian” took a break from watching music videos and Jerry Springer re-runs in the spacious lobby and decided to actually do his job, which just so happens to be around the 8:00-10:00 A.M. time frame, when students need bathrooms the most. Even more disillusioning was the discovery that the janitor didn’t close the bathroom to clean it; the only things changed were the garbage bags. Why then did that constitute shutting down the entire bathroom? Why change the garbage bags but ignore the obviously swelling amount of trash that lines the dorm’s halls? Can R.Kelly videos really be that entertaining? These will always remain among the world’s unsolved mysteries.

NEWSFLASH! Wait, this just in…Whittington Weekly has just received this from the Dean’s desk. Our comments in red.

TO: All Residents of Whittington
FROM (the desk of..): Tom Washburn
SUBJECT: Housekeeping services

Over the past few weeks I have been in your building more than usual. I have made a point of checking the condition of the builing and have noted that the cleanliness of the building is not as good as it should be. [Really? Get right out of town!]I am writing to ask for your help in two areas. First, some of you need to tighten up and live a little more civily. [As opposed to living like you belong in an insane asylum] For example, put your trash in the cans and do not just throw and sweep it into the halls. [Would this include not smashing unwanted CD's down the stairs?] The second thing I want to ask your help in is show respect for the new Housekeeper who is being assigned to Whittington. [Praise be to God!] Ms. Venus Moore will be cleaning your building now. [Did you say "cleaning"? You mean, a janitor that might actually clean?!] Frankly, this (a female housekeeper in a guys dorm) is a new concept here but I believe that it is one worth trying. She will be moving in and around the residence hall from 6:30 to 3:30 each day. Some of you are going to need to dress a little more as you move about! [Looks like some guys around here may have to find some new towels, that actually wrap ALL THE WAY AROUND] She will put a closed sign on each restroom as she cleans it. [That would be ideal] Please notice it and either wait or got to one of the other restrooms when her sign is out. I really think this is going to work well and you will have a much cleaner more liveable dorm. [We hope so Tom, we hope so. Thanks]

How will the new female housekeeper work out? This should lend itself to some interesting stories pretty soon. We'll keep you updated here, in the Whitt Watch. -- Grandmaster Sexay

The above article was intended for parody purposes only.
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