NEWSFLASH --
Leading Source of Depression
Among
Students Found
Campus suicide contemplation
escalates
What aspect of campus life here at [the oldest
college in the Clinton area] would cause a student to contemplate taking
their own life? It’s not the food selection in the B.C. Rodgers café,
or the hectic exam schedules. How about the strenuous dorm life? Surprisingly,
there remains a fate much worse than that…a fate worse than death: CSC
114 – Intro to Computer Science.
Inside MCC classroom 105, a place where time
stands still, victims are subjected to hours of torture without end. Why,
you ask, would any sane college student student willingly enroll themselves
in this punishment? Simply, the course is a part of the divinely selected
“core curriculum.” But what is it exactly that drives students over the
edge? Whittington Weekly decided to investigate this paranormal
situation.
One particular CSC instructor clearly enjoys
inflicting pain on students, who endure almost an hour (or more depending
on which days the course is taken) of southern-drawl monotone, listening
to incoherent lectures about input devices and Barry’s Clip Art – the instructor's
favorite site on the Internet. One female student we observed passed out
suddenly in the middle of class. As her skull hit the desk with a thud,
a pen rested in her hand where she had written the following plea in her
notebook: “Dear Lord, for all that is sacred in this fleeting life, please
make the madness stop…”
One student, who wished to remain anonymous,
told us the following account of the near-loss of their best friend: “I
was supposed to meet [name withheld] for lunch at Hampstead’s after his
class ended at 1:00 P.M. After about forty-five minutes past, he failed
to show. As I left to go find him, I suddenly saw a commotion in the piazza
where a group of spectators were pointing upward. There, on the roof of
Alumni Hall, I saw [again, name withheld] walking around aimlessly singing,
‘I’ll fly away, O glory, I’ll fly away.’ Luckily, I talked him down, but
he still gets that weird look in his eye every time he has to go back to
that class.”
When held for questioning about the incident,
this prominent CSC instructor (with a glazed-over expression) replied,
“Well, truth be known, I believe it was George Washington who said, ‘Don’t
shoot until you see the whites of their eyes.’” Rest assured, Whittington
Weekly will keep you posted on this horrifying situation as it develops.
-- Grandmaster Sexay
The above
article was intended for parody purposes only.
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