Volume 1, Issue 1 -- February 21, 2000

Leading Source of Depression Among 
Students Found
Campus suicide contemplation escalates

What aspect of campus life here at [the oldest college in the Clinton area] would cause a student to contemplate taking their own life? It’s not the food selection in the B.C. Rodgers café, or the hectic exam schedules. How about the strenuous dorm life? Surprisingly, there remains a fate much worse than that…a fate worse than death: CSC 114 – Intro to Computer Science.

Inside MCC classroom 105, a place where time stands still, victims are subjected to hours of torture without end. Why, you ask, would any sane college student student willingly enroll themselves in this punishment? Simply, the course is a part of the divinely selected “core curriculum.” But what is it exactly that drives students over the edge? Whittington Weekly decided to investigate this paranormal situation. 

One particular CSC instructor clearly enjoys inflicting pain on students, who endure almost an hour (or more depending on which days the course is taken) of southern-drawl monotone, listening to incoherent lectures about input devices and Barry’s Clip Art – the instructor's favorite site on the Internet. One female student we observed passed out suddenly in the middle of class. As her skull hit the desk with a thud, a pen rested in her hand where she had written the following plea in her notebook: “Dear Lord, for all that is sacred in this fleeting life, please make the madness stop…”

One student, who wished to remain anonymous, told us the following account of the near-loss of their best friend: “I was supposed to meet [name withheld] for lunch at Hampstead’s after his class ended at 1:00 P.M. After about forty-five minutes past, he failed to show. As I left to go find him, I suddenly saw a commotion in the piazza where a group of spectators were pointing upward. There, on the roof of Alumni Hall, I saw [again, name withheld] walking around aimlessly singing, ‘I’ll fly away, O glory, I’ll fly away.’ Luckily, I talked him down, but he still gets that weird look in his eye every time he has to go back to that class.”

When held for questioning about the incident, this prominent CSC instructor (with a glazed-over expression) replied, “Well, truth be known, I believe it was George Washington who said, ‘Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes.’” Rest assured, Whittington Weekly will keep you posted on this horrifying situation as it develops. -- Grandmaster Sexay

The above article was intended for parody purposes only.
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