Volume 1, Issue 1 -- February 21, 2000

Chapel "racism"
Albert Tate causes student riot

NELSON HALL: Adrenaline levels skyrocketed Tuesday as students poured into Swor Auditorium for yet another thrilling and fun-filled session of Chapel.  Fortunately, these high anticipations were aptly met by a stellar BSA+ production including gospel worship choruses and a riveting message delivered by NAACP leader Albert Tate.

In commemoration of Black History Month, Reverend Tate preached a message of oppression and segregation to the unsuspecting spectators, most of whom are accustomed to using Chapel time to catch up on sleep or review sports scores.

By using catch phrases, such as “racist bastard” and “big racist bastard,” Tate rallied students into an unprecedented “kill whitey” movement.  When the session ended at 11:40 a.m., students could be seen running hysterically out of Nelson Hall, overturning several automobiles in the parking lot. 

The Head of Campus Security was later found in Egypt trapped in his overturned golf cart and attempting to reach the button on one of the new campus emergency poles. 

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said a prominent Computer Science professor. “I’m glad to see the students get excited about something other than my CSC 114 class.”

One student proudly proclaimed, “Reverend Tate’s message gave me exactly what I needed to hear.”  The student then proceeded to beat the crap out of himself because he was white.

Those students who attend Thursday Chapel heard word of Tate’s astounding message and eagerly awaited their turn to take part in all the fun and festivities of “white bashing.” Unfortunately, our college's administration found need to replace Tate in Thursday’s Chapel line-up. 

One student who had intentionally left his copy of Sports Illustrated magazine in the room, thinking that he may actually listen to the message Thursday, pouted, “Man, I was ready to hear some cussin’.”

Apparently the administration had found some reason that Reverend Tate’s message was not the best that needed to be heard from the pulpit in Chapel. The motives behind this change are still under investigation. –- E.Z. Mac

The above article was intended for parody purposes only.
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