Volume 1, Issue 1 -- February 21, 2000

The Fabulous Four
A Correct to: "Administration installs three emergency phones, says seven more coming soon"

Contrary to what was reported in the January 31st edition of the Mississippi Collegian, four emergency poles have been installed on campus. I know it is a small part, but is it too much to ask to have a reporter go out and investigate what his article is on? I guess it was not an important enough article to bother researching it. 

The first pole is located on the loop across the street for the new women’s dorm. The second is located at the corner of Nelson Hall just in front of Chrestmen Hall. The Third resides in the freshmen girl’s parking lot near the football field, and the fourth is strategically placed in the Egypt parking lot. 

Now, it is true that these new additions to the security guards’ arsenal will help if someone is in distress, however I do not believe that the equipment is what needs to be updated. I believe that the problem is with the security guards themselves. Besides the fact that the majority of them are fat and lazy, they just refuse to do any work. I don’t think that having these poles will help anyone in trouble in the Egypt parking lot, when security has taken the golf cart on a donut run to the Chevron station. 

An example would be the large yellow Jeep in the Whittington parking lot that was vandalized with the word “Millsaps” in pink spray paint. Where were the security guards during this crime? What about the flasher? Do we as a college believe that the emergency poles will help catch the naked middle aged man that torments the female population on campus? Perhaps, if the security guards spent less time giving tickets to people in the visitors parking zone and more time patrolling the campus the emergency poles would not be as needed. 

Now, maybe the poles help out in areas of the campus that are a little out of the way or not as well lit as other places, like the head of security claims. I may be the only one who recalls this statement, but Dr. Todd promised that if there was a place on campus that people felt was not lit well enough then they would install extra lighting. Yet, the parking lot across highway 80, otherwise known as Asia Minor, remains dark and foreboding like a scene from the movie Scream. 

Overall, what do the emergency poles really accomplish for the student body?  Well, the only thing they do well is tempt the bored students on campus during the weekends to prank call the security office, and run away like children ringing a doorbell and fleeing. -- Shaggy Phat

The above article was intended for parody purposes only.
Comments? E-mail us. © Copyright 2000