Volume 1, Issue 6 -- December 5, 2000

Baptist Nudists take 
over Healthplex
Must be 18 or older to enter

Through the years, our college has been home to several undercover organizations, or secret societies. Some of the more memorable of these operations are “The Order of the Hand,” a society that has for years, held a monopoly in assigning on-campus housing, and “The Presidentials,” a highly intelligent coercive action group that has, since the days of President James E. Carter, dictated rules and regulations of campus clean up and maintenance. 

What many students do not know is that a new “secret society” has recently sprung up here on campus and is taking over the Clinton community by storm. The group reportedly refers to themselves as the “Baptist Men’s Nudist Colony,” and carries on their affairs in a dark, secluded corner of the Baptist Healthplex. 

The Whittington Weekly staff stumbled upon the existence of this strange cult during a normal visit to the Healthplex in yet another vain attempt to become buff.

E.Z. Mac, curious as to whether the hot tub would actually be operable after two weeks of being shut down, wandered into the shower area, and found an old man sanding down the sides of the dry crater that once served as a safe haven for those who had just subjected themselves to the Healthplex’s array of Medieval torture devices-which includes Dr. Miller’s Cardio-kick class.

Realizing that hot tub ecstasy may lay far in the future, E.Z. Mac asked the worker when he thought the project would be completed. The worker responded with the cryptic answer, “Dip-dip-dip.”

E. Z. Mac then exited the shower area through what he thought was the same door he had entered. He looked around and observed the same locker room that he remembered from before the hot tub incident; he even saw Shaggy Phat and Grandmaster Sexay.

However, everywhere else E. Z. Mac looked, he saw swarms of naked bodies. One naked old man even approached him and declared, “Boy! When God said ‘tall,’ you were right there!” 

E. Z. Mac trembled in disbelief and exclaimed, “What?!” To which the naked old man uttered again his convoluted statement. Seeking privacy, E. Z. Mac gathered himself and responded, “Thank you.”

Following this close encounter, the Weekly staff high-tailed it out of the locker room. 

Very little is known of the facts of this new organization, although it has been observed that they hold very closely to their creed, “Naked, naked, naked” and consider the most important article of clothing to be dress socks. -- E.Z. Mac

The above article was intended for parody purposes only.
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