Volume 1, Issue 6 -- SEMESTER REVIEW

Gettin' hazy with it
Mandatory rush meeting recap

B.C. RODGERS -- Late in September, all members of the clubs and tribes of [the largest college in the Clinton area] were puzzled when their presence was requested in the Grand Hall for a meeting. Not only did they receive a sepena over the phone from someone who did not sound like the female the greeting claimed he was, but signs in the dorms that said “MANDATORY meeting” also taunted them. Students, along with the Whittington Weekly staff, gathered in droves in the Grand Hall (Casino Room) to hear the latest about campus hazing policies and the crisis that had surfaced over the previous weekend. Many students were shocked when a dry erase board was ushered in and the lecture began. Without introduction a professor from the law department walked out and started to teach. It was a standard fifty-minute lecture that described what the true definitions of hazing are from a legal standpoint.

At the end of the lecture, students were more confused than they were upon entering. No verdict was reached, no sentences were handed down, and the problem was not resolved. Students began to question the point of having the meeting. All it did was take away time they needed to use for hazing.

One student asked, “Why was this mandatory? They could have just told us to look up hazing in the dictionary.” 

Another student stated, “I don’t understand why we met in the Grand Hall and not Swor Auditorium. We would have been able to see the board if it were in Swor. I think they just wanted to show off that awful carpet.”

Next semester, a new mandatory night class will be on schedule for all students involved in a club or tribe. The name of this class will be HAZ 112 (Hazing 112). It will meet every week on Thursday at nine o’clock.

In related news, rush activities start this week at Not Mississippi College (see Issue 2: Joint SGA body votes "no confidence"), where they have replaced the old mascot “The Choctaw” with a new politically correct mascot: “The Fire Ant.”
-- Shaggy Phat

The above article was intended for parody purposes only.
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