Volume 1, Issue 6 -- December 5, 2000

Abandon Ship!
New Men’s Nautical Disaster

NMRH -- In an unexpected turn of events, the highly anticipated New Women’s waterfall finally made its campus debut on the morning of Friday, December 1, 2000, bringing about the end of an era here at [the largest college in the Clinton area].

However, school administrators were left speechless when it was discovered that the waterfall was not placed in its pre-assigned position between the New Women’s towers but was mistakenly installed inside the New Men’s Rotunda.

One member of the administration explained, “Well, we were all enjoying a little victory celebration in the New Women’s lobby while waiting for the waterfall to be turned on for the first time.  Around the time when the water was supposed to begin flowing forth, someone looked up exclaiming, ‘Sweet mercy!’  All I remember after that is a massive influx of bodies and flailing limbs headed toward the Rotunda...and then, darkness.”

At this point, witnesses report observing a spectacle of epic proportions-the entire school administration charging hysterically down the hill on the east side of Hederman Dorm, some losing their footing, thereby being trampled under by the angry mob.

Unfortunately, the waterfall construction supervisor ordered the command, “Go!” just as the frenzied faculty members reached the bottom of the hill, causing an incalculable amount of water to be pumped into the Holloway Rotunda at an incredible rate of speed.

The New Men’s Resident Director, who was making his way through the Rotunda at the time of waterfall initiation, was caught by surprise by the massive wall of water and could only respond, “AH!” before he was swept away by the swift current.

Some dorm residents observed the hazardous conditions before leaving their rooms and ventured to class only through the use of rafts, canoes, and paddleboats. Several students were even seen with kayaks. 

One student looked out into the hall and, noticing that the floodgates had indeed been opened, commented, “Aw, man. I’m gonna need my anorak.”

The more unfortunate residents were terror-stricken as the powerful force of rising waters burst their doors clean off the hinges, ruining their rooms as well as all of their personal possessions.

One traumatized student related this story:  “A knock on my door woke me up a good 45 minutes before my alarm was going to go off. As I stumbled toward the door, the knocking persisted and became louder and louder. I asked who it was, and the response came, ‘Maintenance.’  I said, ‘Leave me alone.  I’m sleeping.’  The voice replied, ‘T.V. repairman.’ I said, ‘What?  I don’t have a T.V.’  Then the voice said, 'Uh, it's Dr. Todd.'  So I said, 'Dr. Todd? I've never seen you in my dorm before!'  After a long pause, the voice said,
‘Candy-gram,’ so I opened the door, and a mighty blast of water knocked me off my feet. I can’t remember much except for the broken glass, the kicking, and the screaming- especially the screaming.”

Several risk-seeking residents were seen riding over the three-story waterfall in barrels as they claimed to be “daredevils from Canada.”

Mutiny prevailed on several halls of the dorm as residents dressed as pirates and forced their resident assistants to “walk the plank.”  Rivaling buccaneer forces taunted one another with calls such as “Avast ye mateys!” 

The number of casualties increased right before witnesses’ eyes as more and more unsuspecting residents moved into the rotunda to check out the commotion.  One by one, students were swept into the rapid stream of the waterfall.  Screams for help resounded over the entire campus.  Witnesses report victims exclaiming such distressing cries as, “Oh, for the love…!” and “Hey, you wait just a second!”

School administration finally had the opportunity to confront the incompetent construction crew on their blunder. They explained that the waterfall was supposed to be installed at New Women’s, to which the construction supervisor responded, “Oops.”

Clean up on the site could not begin immediately as the waterfall was set on a 24-hour timer. When residents complained to the Housing Office over their living conditions, a certain housing office secretary responded, “If you can’t live in the flooded dorm for a day or two, then you’re just a bunch of girls.” [Although the secretary requested that we not use her name, we can say that she has a good son named Pat.] 

Following the disaster, maintenance crews mopped the dorm for 53 hours straight. Ceiling tile (above) and sheetrock damage (below) was prevalent, especially in the east stairwell.

Also, copies of the following notice were non-conspicuously placed throughout the entire dormitory, implying that students are to blame for the disaster and will necessarily be charged for damages out the wazoo. -- E.Z. Mac

The above article was intended for parody purposes only.
Comments? E-mail us. © Copyright 2000