Abandon Ship!
New Men’s Nautical Disaster
NMRH -- In an unexpected turn of events,
the highly anticipated New Women’s waterfall finally made its campus debut
on the morning of Friday, December 1, 2000, bringing about the end of an
era here at [the largest college in the Clinton area].
However, school administrators were left speechless
when it was discovered that the waterfall was not placed in its pre-assigned
position between the New Women’s towers but was mistakenly installed inside
the New Men’s Rotunda.
One member of the administration explained,
“Well, we were all enjoying a little victory celebration in the New Women’s
lobby while waiting for the waterfall to be turned on for the first time.
Around the time when the water was supposed to begin flowing forth, someone
looked up exclaiming, ‘Sweet mercy!’ All I remember after that is
a massive influx of bodies and flailing limbs headed toward the Rotunda...and
then, darkness.”
At this point, witnesses report observing
a spectacle of epic proportions-the entire school administration charging
hysterically down the hill on the east side of Hederman Dorm, some losing
their footing, thereby being trampled under by the angry mob.
Unfortunately, the waterfall construction
supervisor ordered the command, “Go!” just as the frenzied faculty members
reached the bottom of the hill, causing an incalculable amount of water
to be pumped into the Holloway Rotunda at an incredible rate of speed.
The New Men’s Resident Director, who was making
his way through the Rotunda at the time of waterfall initiation, was caught
by surprise by the massive wall of water and could only respond, “AH!”
before he was swept away by the swift current.
Some dorm residents observed the hazardous
conditions before leaving their rooms and ventured to class only through
the use of rafts, canoes, and paddleboats. Several students were even seen
with kayaks.
One student looked out into the hall and,
noticing that the floodgates had indeed been opened, commented, “Aw, man.
I’m gonna need my anorak.”
The more unfortunate residents were terror-stricken
as the powerful force of rising waters burst their doors clean off the
hinges, ruining their rooms as well as all of their personal possessions.
One traumatized student related this story:
“A knock on my door woke me up a good 45 minutes before my alarm was going
to go off. As I stumbled toward the door, the knocking persisted and became
louder and louder. I asked who it was, and the response came, ‘Maintenance.’
I said, ‘Leave me alone. I’m sleeping.’ The voice replied,
‘T.V. repairman.’ I said, ‘What? I don’t have a T.V.’ Then
the voice said, 'Uh, it's Dr. Todd.' So I said, 'Dr. Todd? I've never
seen you in my dorm before!' After a long pause, the voice said,
‘Candy-gram,’ so I opened the door, and a
mighty blast of water knocked me off my feet. I can’t remember much except
for the broken glass, the kicking, and the screaming- especially the screaming.”
Several risk-seeking residents were seen riding
over the three-story waterfall in barrels as they claimed to be “daredevils
from Canada.”
Mutiny prevailed on several halls of the dorm
as residents dressed as pirates and forced their resident assistants to
“walk the plank.” Rivaling buccaneer forces taunted one another with
calls such as “Avast ye mateys!”
The number of casualties increased right before
witnesses’ eyes as more and more unsuspecting residents moved into the
rotunda to check out the commotion. One by one, students were swept
into the rapid stream of the waterfall. Screams for help resounded
over the entire campus. Witnesses report victims exclaiming such
distressing cries as, “Oh, for the love…!” and “Hey, you wait just a second!”
School administration finally had the opportunity
to confront the incompetent construction crew on their blunder. They explained
that the waterfall was supposed to be installed at New Women’s, to which
the construction supervisor responded, “Oops.”
Clean up on the site could not begin immediately
as the waterfall was set on a 24-hour timer. When residents complained
to the Housing Office over their living conditions, a certain housing office
secretary responded, “If you can’t live in the flooded dorm for a day or
two, then you’re just a bunch of girls.” [Although the secretary requested
that we not use her name, we can say that she has a good son named
Pat.]
Following the disaster, maintenance crews
mopped the dorm for 53 hours straight. Ceiling tile (above) and sheetrock
damage (below) was prevalent, especially in the east stairwell.
Also, copies of the following
notice were non-conspicuously placed throughout the entire dormitory,
implying that students are to blame for the disaster and will necessarily
be charged for damages out the wazoo. -- E.Z.
Mac
The
above article was intended for parody purposes only.
Comments?
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