"Blood drive"
Plasma mascot hijacks van
ALUMNI HALL -- During an annual blood drive last month, students were
urged to participate and donate all of the plasma they could “muster up”
to the United Blood Services, who had set up shop in the lobby of Alumni
Hall. In order to raise life-force giving morale, the UBS mascot “Ubie”
was set loose to roam about campus freely.
Ubie lingered around the Quad, engaging many
students passing by on the way to their morning classes. After trying in
earnest to attract as much attention he possibly could (by wildly flailing
his arms and skipping about) Ubie decided to call it a day and returned
to his spot in front of Alumni. The mascot then reportedly retracted his
arms and legs up into his red, droplet form and took a break. Students
entering Alumni to “take the plunge” were disturbed to find the giant blood
droplet staring at them through blank,
expressionless eyes.
“It was the freakiest thing I had ever seen,”
exclaimed one observer. “There he was, sittin’
there, looking at me like he had no remorse
for my soul or somethin’.”
However, no one could have imagined what was
being contemplated behind that blank, expressionless stare. No one could
have predicted what occurred next.
According
to eyewitnesses, Ubie suddenly leaped up out of his dormant state and lunged
for the door on the driver’s side of the United Blood Services van, parked
nearby. Then, upon taking control of the steering wheel, Ubie glared out
at curious on- lookers with a maniacal grin and drove away. The UBS van
was last seen taking a left on Monroe.
Ubie’s motives are still under investigation.
Perhaps none can fully realize the pressures
that blood mascot faces in his everyday life.
Or maybe Ubie simply misunderstood the entire purpose behind a “blood drive.”
Of course, if anything comes to the surface on this disturbing situation,
rest assured the Whittington Weekly will have all of the
breaking details. -- Grandmaster
Sexay
The above
article was intended for parody purposes only.
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