Volume 1, Issue 6 -- SEMESTER REVIEW

"Blood drive"
Plasma mascot hijacks van

ALUMNI HALL -- During an annual blood drive last month, students were urged to participate and donate all of the plasma they could “muster up” to the United Blood Services, who had set up shop in the lobby of Alumni Hall. In order to raise life-force giving morale, the UBS mascot “Ubie” was set loose to roam about campus freely.

Ubie lingered around the Quad, engaging many students passing by on the way to their morning classes. After trying in earnest to attract as much attention he possibly could (by wildly flailing his arms and skipping about) Ubie decided to call it a day and returned to his spot in front of Alumni. The mascot then reportedly retracted his arms and legs up into his red, droplet form and took a break. Students entering Alumni to “take the plunge” were disturbed to find the giant blood droplet staring at them through blank,
expressionless eyes.

“It was the freakiest thing I had ever seen,” exclaimed one observer. “There he was, sittin’
there, looking at me like he had no remorse for my soul or somethin’.”

However, no one could have imagined what was being contemplated behind that blank, expressionless stare. No one could have predicted what occurred next.

According to eyewitnesses, Ubie suddenly leaped up out of his dormant state and lunged for the door on the driver’s side of the United Blood Services van, parked nearby. Then, upon taking control of the steering wheel, Ubie glared out at curious on- lookers with a maniacal grin and drove away. The UBS van was last seen taking a left on Monroe.

Ubie’s motives are still under investigation. Perhaps none can fully realize the pressures
that blood mascot faces in his everyday life. Or maybe Ubie simply misunderstood the entire purpose behind a “blood drive.” Of course, if anything comes to the surface on this disturbing situation, rest assured the Whittington Weekly will have all of the breaking details. -- Grandmaster Sexay

The above article was intended for parody purposes only.
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